Going Through a Difficult and/or Traumatic Time?

Going through a difficult and/or traumatic time can completely scramble your thinking capacity and
ability to make sense of everything that is happening.

Allowing yourself to be thrown in to this roller coaster of though and emotion does not help to resolve the challenges that you are experiencing, and it becomes more challenging if you are responsible for the well-being of other, while can barely stand up straight yourself.

Guiding people through such a period can be complicated, especially when such a person is close to you.  How do you then generate some kind of rationality in a situation that is completely void of anything rational – this is what I suggest:

First you must write.  Journaling is significantly important.  Writing stuff down forces you to work from a maddening 30 000 plus thoughts a day that is racing through your brain, not allowing you any clear though or action, to writing at a pace of 50 odd words per minute.  It forces you to make sense of what is happening by forcing all these thoughts through a funnel – to a sentence that (sort off) make sense.

Next step is to determine which of these thoughts need some kind of action – getting through difficult time requires you to make decisions and act, otherwise you will sink into the well of desolation.  Use the Wheel of Life to structure these thoughts and then prioritise.  Identify what needs to be attended to first – and start by taking small steps.

Use a problem-solving method to get to appropriate solutions.  Write the process down.  Give every problem a name, gather information, analyse the problem, identify criteria that you will use to evaluate options, know what you want to achieve, identify options, evaluate and decide, implement and make corrective actions as you go along. 

Schedule your day, week, month, year – create structure and some kind of certainty.  Schedule every aspect of your Wheel of Life into your diary – what you schedule become an objective.  If you don’t see it, it will not be done.  Start small, but start.

Celebrate every positive result and achievement, so that you can build your confidence in rebuilding your life.  Be brave – fight for yourself.  Show up!

Remember – you cannot give what you don’t have!

What is more important – to increase your positive thoughts or the decease your negative thinking?

 Here are some interesting points:

To minimise negative thinking is more important than to increase positive thinking.

Negative thinking shows up as negative self-talk.

We are not aware of 70% of our negative thinking.  Unperceived.

Negative thinking shows up in our speech as complaining, criticising, concern about stuff outside of your control, commiserating and catastrophising.

We must learn to cut out the negative thinking so that we can become more confident in ourselves. How do we fight back against negative self-talk?  We must catch it (become aware of the negative self-talk), we must check it against reality (create doubt) and change it to positive (reframe it to e.g. I am not ….).

Complaining must become solution-focused dialogue

Criticising must become constructive feedback.

Concern must become constructive caution.

Commiserating must become empathetic engagement.

Catastrophising must become proportional perspective, with the focus on actionable steps.

Self-imposed change is therefore required.   Have a brilliant and constantly improving 2025!

“If you must doubt something, doubt your limits.” Price Pritchett

Based on the work of Price Pritchett & Arley Hoskin.

You Cannot Outsource Life!

 As a coach – I realised the following over the past few years.

Where people are at a specific period of their lives, normally is the result of their habits.

Most people know what they don’t want – but have a very limited idea of what they want and where they want to go, and survival thinking (fight, flight or freeze) makes it almost impossible to engage in future thinking.

When prompted, they want vague things (e.g., freedom, peace, riches, happiness) – no time were invested in defining what and how they would like their lives to be, or what they would like to achieve.  Very much learned helplessness.

And then, when pushed, many shrink from taking the responsibility to take action, to implement necessary actions, to face their fears, to suffer the hardship – which is mostly required to change life’s direction.  The life most of us want lies on the other side of our fears, and the success that we crave lies on the other side of the work that we avoid.

The reality is that you cannot outsource your happiness, your growth, your health, your relationships.  Growing is your responsibility.  Growing requires change.  Change involves pain.

Own your life!  Make your own difference.

Opgee en Oorgee - 2025

 

Opgee en Oorgee - 2025

Vir baie jare het ek padwedlope gedoen, selfs aan ‘n maraton of twee deelgeneem, en wanneer jy hardloop kan jy nie met verdeelde gedagtes (two minds) oefen of deelneem nie.  Wat padwedlope my geleer het is dat jy net so toegewyd moet oefen en werk as wat jy aan jou geloof toegewyd is – sonder absolute toewyding is daar ruimte vir twyfel.  Twyfel in jou vermoë om die afstand af te lê, twyfel of jy moet aanhou, oor begin of opgee, of twyfel in jou geloof aan God.

Dit het my ook geleer dat ongeag hoe fiks jy is, hoe hard jy werk of hoe hard jy oefen – dit nie altyd goed gaan nie.  Elke wedloop is nie maklik nie.  Elke opdraande het ‘n afdraande waarna jy reikhalsend uitsien, net om desperaat die volgende opdraande in die oë te kyk – maar wanneer jy teenwoordig is (present), wanneer jy is waar jou voete is, dan raak die op- en afdraandes ‘n simfonie van beweging, van ritmiese voetval, sweet afvee, water drink, gesprek met mede-atlete en self, ‘n verby skuiwende landskap, en een van verwondering vir die gemak van beweging van sommige teenoor die loop-en-val van ander.

Wanneer jy by die einde kom, met of sonder gemak, die eindstreep oorsteek en nieteenstaande jou konstante belofte aan jouself om dit nooit weer te doen nie – kyk jy tog of die dalk jou persoonlike beste is, net om dan op jou volgende wedloop te besluit.

Dit hang af van hoe jy daarna kyk – maar in padwedlope, fietsrenne en baie soortgelyke sporte is almal wenners.  Wanneer jy oor die eindstreep gaan en jy ontvang jou medalje – is jy ‘n wenner.  Jy verloor slegs wanneer jy nie die eindstreep bereik nie, wanneer jy opgee – en tog moet jy soms opgee met dit waarmee jy besig is, want “hardloop” is dalk nie vir jou nie.  Ook so in die lewe. 

Maar ons gee nie oor nie – want daar is altyd iets anders waarin jy kan presteer.  En dalk is presteer nie om op die podium te wees nie, of jou persoonlike beste te verbeter nie.  Presteer is baie keer net om op die baan te wees, om net klaar te maak – papnat gesweet en met ‘n (moedige) glimlag.  Soos die man in die arena. 

Die ou wat wen is die swetende, blasende, moeë persoon op die baan – anders as die verloorder wat kommentaar lewer op die paviljoen.

Vrede en Voorspoed vir julle almal!

Johan Coetzee. 24/12/2024

(‘n Aanhaling uit my nuwe boek – Opgee se Gat.  In proses vir 2025)

The Butter Knife Principle

 
We all have the luxury of owning several knives, to the extend that we do not think about the process of making a knife.  When we need a knife, we go to a store and buy, mass-produced, all shapes and sizes, for all kinds of purposes – without paying attention.

Knife making, however, is an age old “science” where a bladesmith spends numerous hours going through a very specific process, shaping a piece of metal to become a very specific tool – designed for a very specific purpose.

The challenge is to know what you want, patiently work the metal until you have created the specific blade you want.  How do you go about this?

You must choose the correct quality of steel for the blade and an appropriate material for the handle (such as wood, bone, or synthetic materials).

The knife must be designed – a sketch that includes the shape of the blade and the handle must be made.  Each design and shape have a specific purpose.

The steel must be prepared so that a blade can be shaped – this can be an elaborate process of cutting, hammering, grinding and straightening, until you have something you can shape into a blade.

Then you spend hours shaping the blade by removing excess material by grinding and sanding.

Once you are satisfied with the shape of the blade the process of heat treating and quenching in oil or water to harden the steel for strength and durability.  Then tempering follows to reduce brittleness while maintaining hardness.  If you don’t get this right, you have a useless piece of metal.

Now the finishing of the blade follows, sanding and polishing to smooth out any rough areas and give it a finished look.  But the end is not in sight yet, for final assembly the handle must be cut, shaped and attached to the blade – drilling holes for rivets and using epoxy to secure the handle may be required.

Only now the blade can be sharpened, or not, once again using specialised tool.

Only now you have a knife that may be used for the purpose it has been designed for.  Some for general use, some for a very specific purpose – like a butter knife.

A butter knife is not designed to cut, cleave, debone, fillet, fight or anything else – it is beautifully shaped to do one thing, spread butter.

Life has the same impact on us.  We are all shaped by the master bladesmith – we only participate, there is a design for each of us, we all have a purpose (without purpose we are at a loss), we are shaped to serve this purpose by countless hours learning, experiencing, pressure, achieving and failing, tempered and finished to be useful for God and humanity.

Some of us are generalists, ready to fix and attend to any and everything, and then there are some who are shaped and formed to be unique – to have a specific purpose.  Even in being a generalist, we are all unique, made for that purpose.  The biggest mistake we can make is to compare ourselves to others.

If you’re butter knife, be the best butter knife that you can be, and own it.  Fulfilling your purpose is where being content lies.

Dr CJH (Johan) Coetzee.

15/12/2024

Wanneer is Genoeg. Aftrede is nie vir Sissies nie.

Wat doen jy wanneer jou aftree planne nie werk nie?